Heaven and Hell



So here’s the thing about adoption and being adopted: it’s a mixed bag.

I was adopted when I was a year and a month old. I’ll elaborate on why over a year went by before I was snatched up by someone in another post, ’cause that’s a whole different arena.

Anyway, once you’re taken in by a family, if the people who adopted you clue you in early on, you basically go through most of your life with two opposing thoughts:

Boy, was I lucky that someone wanted me bad enough to bring me into their life.

Boy, was I unlucky that it had to come to that.

How does one hold “luck” in one hand and “unlucky” in the other and somehow have them coalesce into a coherent, balanced philosophy?

And is it even possible, since they’re completely opposite ideas?

The way I see it, life on this plane of existence consists of duality anyway. Good and bad, light and dark, hot and cold and variations of the same. I feel like I spend my days always fighting to return to that elusive center between opposing elements and extreme interpretations. It’s the Goldilocks zone. And I spend my time discovering, losing, searching for and rediscovering that space, that feeling, that moment that’s “just right.”

Some people call it “being in the moment,” and it’s a lot harder to do than it sounds. But I find that when I spend any time “being in the moment,” that nothing else can invade that space. Because in this moment, right now, this Goldilocks zone that feels “just right”, there is no past and no future. There is just “now.” If I manage to drag anything in there with me, it by necessity undergoes a transformation in order to conform to the laws of “just right.” In the null space, opposing concepts and worrisome ideas sort of blend together into an acceptable amalgamation.

In the “just right” space all disparate philosophies and/or perceptions become, over time…just right. Unlucky becomes lucky, lucky becomes unlucky. I am both and I am neither, aren’t I? And they’re one in the same. In the “just right” space, even Yin and Yang cease to exist and/or become interchangeable, as do all dualities, strong emotions, strong opinions, perceptions and projections. Two sides of the same thing become one thing, because even in a world of duality, duality is just a word and everything in the end is simply one thing. So if I’m lucky and unlucky at the same time, I can neither feel sorry for myself nor be happy for myself. It’s like that expression people have when they sort of give up trying to explain something that’s too complicated or maybe even isn’t worth over-thinking: It is what it is. In the Goldilocks zone, everything just is what it is.

The next goal, of course: attempting to stay in the “just right” zone longer than randomly and briefly, which is next to impossible without intense concentration and practice and, I would even say, training. But in the end, of course I’m glad I was adopted. And if I may fall back into the world of duality for a moment, I would even consider myself one of the lucky ones. Luckier than many. My gratitude is deeper than words can describe or measure.

Maybe Freud would say I’ve found a way to “neutralize” my anxiety. In a very shallow, surface way,  that may be true. But if it’s real and not just denial or suppression or rationalization and it succeeds in a truly profound and meaningful way, down to the cellular level…well, I’d like to see if Freud has a better answer.



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